To Be
by Dany
Summary: After Anakin kills Obi Wan, long forgotten memories are being refreshed.


**To Be**

  
**Author:** Dany  
**Rated:** PG  
**Spoilers:** Actually none, maybe a possible way why/how Anakin turned, but not really. I would mark it as an AU Fic.  
**Summary:** After Anakin kills Obi Wan, long forgotten memories are being refreshed. Still new to being a sith, Anakin is slightly torn between what's wrong and right.  
**Author's Note:** Anakin's view of things is still a bit foolish and naive, so I wouldn't say that this happened after Darth Vader really killed Obi Wan in the trilogy.  
**Feedback:** Sure, mail me and tell me what you think :)  
**Disclaimer:** Star Wars, Anakin, etc. belong to GL&Co.

//To Be.//

I remember his words so clearly, even after all these years of fighting, hating and killing. He always was more like a father to me than my master. He always was special to me, even if I never really admitted it, even if I never showed it.

The feeling was there.

_Be mindful of your thoughts, Anakin. They betray you._

How often had I heard that sentence before? A hundred times, a thousand times? I don't know because I never listened. I let him talk. I let him lecture me. I let him guide me, but never did I listen. Never.

It had been a mistake, trusting my feelings more than him, the force or my beloved. But now it's too late.. I can't go back now and I don't even want to. Obi Wan is dead. Nothing's ever gonna bring him back. Not me, not the force.. not anyone. Not even the emperor, even if he wanted to.

I killed him.

I killed him like I once killed those tusken's after they had tortured my mother for one whole month. I didn't give a shit about them, nor their children. I think that's when I failed the second time.

It's ironic. I remember standing at my mother's grave, promising her that I would never fail again. Little did I know that I already had. Two times. The first time in not being able to save her and the second time in killing all those tuskens.

_//I slaughtered them like animals.//_

When I close my eyes, I can still hear their screams of shock and hurt, the crying of the little children. I can still see the blood on their clothing. Force, I can even smell it. But now it's too late for remorse, for redemption. I can't change what I am. Not now and not in ten years. Not ever.

My former mentor is dead. I killed him with my hands. With my mind, with everything I am. But it doesn't really matter, does it?

//To Be Free.//

Of course it doesn't. He was weak, believing he could challenge me. Believing he could turn me back to the light. Believing he could make me trust him again. But he couldn't. Fool.

He failed. Again.

He could never do anything right with me. He couldn't control me. My emotions. My feelings for my mother.. for Padmé.

_//You're in my very soul, tormenting me.//_

Padmé. Her name still burns in my mind. In my heart. In my dreams of darkness where she would try to rescue me. But she never would sucess.

I can still hear her, screaming at me when I told her I had to leave. When I told her I was leaving the Order. Leaving her. I told her I'd come back but somehow... somehow she _knew_ I wouldn't. Maybe we both did.

_//You're not doing this for me, Anakin. You're doing this to make it easier for yourself. I know you do.//_

I had ignored her, had not been listening to her. I had packed my things and let her scream at me, telling me I was wrong. Telling me I couldn't leave her. Then she had started to cry... and I.. I just couldn't leave her like that.

She had cried so bitterly, so openly, it broke my heart. I took her in my arms then, for the very last time. I whispered that I loved her and that I always would.. and it had not been a lie. She cried into my shoulder for what seemed like eternity to me. It was then when I hesitated. For one split second I hesitated. I thought about staying, at least for her sake.

But I didn't. I _couldn't._

I left then. After she had cried it all out. I took my bag and took a last look at her, before turning around and walking towards the door. I heard her soft hurting whisper and hesitated once again, stopping in the door frame.

_//Don't leave.//_

It had been a desperate pleading. I had wanted to turn around and look at her. One last time. In her eyes, in her soul. At the woman that I love. But I knew I couldn't. I knew if I turned around then I wouldn't be able to leave. Ever.

So I kept on walking, towards my speeder and drove away. Leaving her behind with a broken heart, a broken soul. And I could still feel her pain worlds away.

//To Be In Love.//

I went to challenge the emperor after I left the Jedi Order and Padmé. I went, still weak from the encounter with Padmé and still angered from talking to the Jedi Order. It had been a mistake. A mistake that changed my life forever. And the life of thousand other beings.

The last Meeting with the Jedi Council had been simple. I walked into that room and began to talk. I _never_ had done this before. I never had talked this openly to the Jedi Council before. Not to Yoda, not to Obi Wan. Not to any Jedi.

And I never did it again.

When I look back now, I can still feel Master Yoda's eyes on me, staring at me intense and I could _feel_ that this was the end. This was the end of Anakin Skywalker, the Jedi Padawan. On that day I changed. I became someone, someone else.

I think Yoda knew it then. Deep down inside, the old wise Jedi knew I wasn't going to come back to them, to Padmé. To anyone. He knew that I was lost. Forever.

Empty words had been spoken then. Words, which didn't mean anything to me. They didn't try to keep me and when I went out the door, I could hear Master Yoda's last words to me.

They had been strange, unfamiliar. I didn't understand them then and I don't understand them now and that keeps me thinking.

_//Follow your destiny, you will//_

And I did. I am where I belong. And still... this words won't leave me. What is it what he tried to tell me? I don't know and maybe I don't even care.

Master Yoda's time is long over. As is the Jedi's time. They were weak, helpless. They had the dark presence right in front of their eyes but they were too stubborn, to old fashioned to believe that I could stop it from happening. Fools, because I could have.. if they had just let me.

I could have stopped it all. Padmé from dying and the republic from being taken over by the empire. But they didn't trust me, they didn't **believe** in me.

It doesn't matter now. With my former master, the last of the Jedi, dead.. the time of the republic and the Jedi is over.

After all that my time has finally come.

And the ones who once dared to reject me, will now run to espace my power. But, with my weakness gone and my power growing, there will be no hope left for them.

Nor for Anakin.

//To Be Chosen.//


End file.
